Well, the wind is cold and the hermit crabs are coming out of their shells to nip at the budding saplings, which means (you guessed it) Mother Winter is coming early this year. After an uncharacteristically short hibernation, Mother Winter has awoken from her sexy slumber. Her bulbous toes have started to thaw and her frosty teeth have begun to unfurl. She parts her lips and greets the morning with a simple, "Whatsittoya!?" Oh yes, she is indeed awake and ready to sprinkle the Northern Hemisphere with her various forms of water - snow, rain, sleet, hail, ice, steam, iced steam, ice water, watered ice, icicles, creamed ice, clouds, vitamin water, miscellaneous, and none. As some of you may know, "holidays" occur semi-annually. "Holidays" are days specially designated by the government to celebrate death: the number of deaths ranges from one (for holidays such as Christmas or Martin Luther King Jr. day) to many (Veteran's day, Dia de Los Muertos, Thanksgiving,)
Well according to my sources (none yet) it is going to be a particularly cold winter, and I've compiled a great list of ways to keep warm:
1. A knit cap is a great way to keep your hair from falling off, and also a great way to keep your noggin warm. Putting a warm pot pie under your hat can only increase your total warmth and comfort.
2. MICROWAVE YOUR RINGS BEFORE LEAVING YOUR HOUSE. I cannot stress this enough. Rings are made of metal which contains germs. Microwaving your rings is a great way to disinfect them, and keep your finger-middles toasty.
3. Keep your mouth full of hot chocolate throughout the day. What a treat! If someone asks you a question, simply show them a picture of hot chocolate from a magazine to let them know that your mouth is completely full of hot chocolate and you cannot answer them at this time.
4. Try to spend extra time with your friends with high body temperatures. It is simply not practical to keep the company of anyone with a temperature lower than 98 degrees. If you are not sure of your friends' body temperatures, leave a "facebook status update" that says something to the effect of "I'd like to have sex with someone with a high fever to keep me warm through the night. Possible ongoing thing."
5. Instead of sleeping in your bed, try sleeping in the oven or inside of the engine of your car. These are real warm places, and real nice too.
6. Many animals have warm hair sleeves (also known as fur or pelts) to keep their insides warm. Try borrowing an animal sleeve for yourself and enjoy this same warmth. Warmth animals can be found at the zoo, in the forest, or in your neighbors' yards.
7. Find a womb and make yourself comfortable!!! Wombs are very spacious, very warm, and best of all, you don't have to break the bank with the heating bill. Easy, and cost-effective.
8. Apply fire to your clothes, your bed, your friends, or apply it directly to your skin - anything you want to keep warm. Fire is made of fire which is a warming agent. Not bad under a budget.
9. Volcanos are filled with hot lava which stays warm even during winter. Take one sip of the stuff and you'll be warm for days. Simply visit volcano.com and click on "find a location" to find the most convenient volcano in your area.
10. Shove fiberglass insulation into your socks, shoes, underwear, gloves, shirt, or anywhere else you'd like to keep warm. If you don't have insulation you can use newspaper or cultural newsletters. Insulation keeps the warmth IN and the cold OUT.
*Don't forget to insulate in between your contacts and your eyeballs. 66% of our warmth escapes through our irises. You might want to try applying fire or lava here as well.
11. Consuming coiled copper wire can increase the conductivity of your body by 300%, allowing your internal temperature to rise to over 500 degrees fahrenheit. Not bad.
12. Fashion a Reflective Mirror Satellite Disc Suit (RMSDS) to direct the sun's rays toward your body. The sun is made of hot items, and an RMSDS can reflect those items into your body causing you to heat up. Also - very stylish.
13. Bejeweled Parka. Need I say more?
14. Befriend local bees. Bees carry a tremendous amount of warmth because each bee contains a certain percentage of hot pepper from the flowers they pollenate. The more bees the better. Invite a swarm to cover your body and relax.
15. Be creative! Use any of these tips by themselves or combine them. Maybe you'll throw on an animal sleeve and head over to the local volcano for a drink! Maybe you'll throw on your RMSDS and take a nap deep within a strangers womb. The possibilities are limitless.
More to come.
D
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