Tip of the Day #8 (12/18/09)

This tip is for you starving artist types (I know you're reading this). If you're low on funds and having trouble keeping yourself fed, try taking a high dose of chlorophyll pills (about 10,000 a day should do). After a few days your skin will turn a healthy green and you will develop the ability to photosynthesize. The chlorophyll in your skin will help you metabolize the sun's energy AND produce glucose! Delicious. No more Top Ramen for you, you have the sun now.



D

Tip of the Day #7 (12/1/09)

If you find yourself worrying too much about what other people think of you, try developing autism. Autism is a quick and easy way of eliminating concern about the thoughts of others. If you have trouble developing autism, consult a professional for help.

D

Tip of the Day #6 (12/02/09)

It's a good idea to get a full-body x-ray once a week just to make sure you have the correct number of bones. Many people do not know this, but the average person loses several bones a year during their sleep, through a process called "bone shedding" in which bones simply slip out of one's skin. In the case of missing bones, I suggest taking a trip to the natural history museum and borrowing some of the bones there to replace the missing ones. Dinosaur bones are 300% stronger than human bones and are much easier to steal. After a couple of decades, you may find that a majority of your skeleton is composed of dinosaur bones...and that YOU are a DINOSAUR! Congratulations.



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Tip of the Day #5 (11/30/09)

For those of you who (like me) enjoy eating ice, but DO NOT ENJOY it's wet flavor, they have recently release a new product called "Dry Ice". Dry Ice is just like traditional ice, but without that wet aftertaste (YUCK!). And plus, it's half the calories! Diet food much?

Tip of the Day #4 (11/28/09)

In the event o a power outage, fireflies are a cheap and easy alternative to electricity. Pop a few into your mouth to create a powerful flashlight effect from your eyeballs. If fireflies are not available, try Reece's Pieces - they won't emit any light, but they are real nice to chew.

D

Tip of the Day #3 (11/26/09)

If you're feeling blue, find someone whose voice makes you feel happy and switch voices with them for a few months. It could be a friend, a grandparent, an acquaintance, a gay boyfriend, or just about anyone! Once you have successfully switched voices - GO NUTS!!! Experiment with your new voice. Perhaps try calling your old friends with your new voice and attempt to explain to them that you have acquired a new voice. Maybe try getting a voice over agent with your new voice! Maybe try getting your new voice to sound like your old voice - it'll be hard, but you'll have a blast trying!!

If you like your new voice enough, you may want to suggest a permanent switch. If the other party is unwilling, it's time to pack your bags and hit the road. You must, at all costs, keep your new voice - even if it means starting an entirely new life.

D

Tip of the Day #2 (11/20/09)

For those of you with uncomfortable mattresses, pour a few bags of popcorn beneath your bed sheets to soften up your sleep and enjoy the smell of hot butter through the night!

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Tip of the Day #1 (11/18/09)

Paint your entire room with "chalkboard paint" and go nuts! If you're room has no windows, feel free to draw one on the wall. And the best part is - you can put it anywhere your want! You can even draw a window that has a view of another room on it, as though there is another room directly connected to yours that you can see through the window. Then draw someone's face to look like they are looking into your room and put on a show for them!!! After a few weeks you will start waking up with a thick coat of chalk dust on your skin. Great for keeping dry in humid weather or for those of you with sweating problems.

D

Every day life and dealing with FAKE PEOPLE.

I feel like just about every day I hear some friend of mine complaining about all the fake people around them. Especially in Los Angeles and New York. It seems the two big coastal urban centers attract them like probiotics attract people who are on antibiotics and need something to combat the harmful effects of the antibiotics. But let's be honest, fake people can be found anywhere. Heck, I've known more than a few fake people in my day. The worst thing about the whole "fake people" phenomena is that you usually can't tell if some one is fake until they act up. One day you're twisting up a dynamite friendship bracelet for your new pal, and the next day they say something that makes you realize: "No!!! This can't be... You're not who I thought you were at all. You're...fake."

For those of you who are lucky enough not to have encountered such a person (or simply haven't realized it yet), the term "Fake Person" refers to any kind of creature or item that so closely resembles a person as to be mistaken for one. The first step to ridding your life of fake people, is to hone your skill at identifying them. I have listed themost common types of fake people and some effective ways of identifying them:


1. Monkeys in people clothes-


Monkeys are humans' closest relatives, so it's no wonder that they are one of the most common types of fake people.
Often these monkeys (like the one pictured above) resemble people so closely that it is almost impossible to distinguish them from a regular person, but there are a few differences. If you start to suspect a friend of being a monkey fake, first inspect them closely to see if they have a monkey face. A monkey face is often a sign that someone is a monkey and not a person. Two other signs of a monkey fake are the presence of feet-like-hands and the inability to speak english. Attempt to engage your friend about their feet and invite them to compare their feet with yours. If they display reluctance or complete confusion, be wary - you may have a monkey fake on your hands.

*also look out for dogs





2. Paintings-



I cannot tell you the number of friends I have had over the years who turned out to be paintings. Some of my greatest friends, whom I have had for years and years, to whom I have told my deepest darkest secrets - nothing more than acrylic paint and canvas. If you suspect someone in your life of being a painting, there are a few things you can do. First, feel the surface of their face with the palm of your hand. What you're looking for is the number of dimensions the person has - a healthy adult person has between 2.5 and 3 dimensions - while a painting generally has 2 dimensions. If the surface is completely flat, you're friend may be a painting.To be sure, mix 2 table spoons of ammonia, 2 table spoons of white vinegar, and 1 table spoon of salt. Apply the mixture to the face of your friend, boss, or lover, and scrub vigorously. If their face starts to disappear within 15-30 seconds, you've got a faker on your hands.

3. Gargoyles-



Look out for gargoyle fakes. As you can see in the above photo, stone gargoyles are almost indistinguishable from people. THE ONLY WAY to find out if someone is a gargoyle fake is to REALLY GET TO KNOW THEM. Gargoyles have a very different culture from humans and they love to talk about Gargoyle culture. If you really spend the time to get to know him or her it will become clear if you're friend is a gargoyle or a person.

4. Gnomes-



Like Gargoyles, gnomes are physically almost indistinguishable from humans. But there is one small difference. While the height of the average male person is 69.2 inches the height of an average male gnome is 6.92 centimeters. Now I know the difference doesn't sound like a lot, but using height is the best way to determine if someone is a gnome fake. One night when you and the suspected faker are having a good time, suggest measuring your respective heights. If you can measure your friend's total height on one third of a one foot ruler, you've got a gnome fake.

5. Cyborgs -



Let's face it, cyborgs are everywhere these days, and they're some of the hardest fake people to spot. Cyborgs are essentially composed of an inorganic robotic interior and an organic exterior. The first order of business when dealing with a potential cyborg fake is to look for any loose wires sticking out of your friend's major joints. The wear-and-tear of every day cyborg life often leads to a few stray wires. You may have even seen them and overlooked them out of politeness. If that doesn't work, invite the suspected phony over for tea and civilized conversation. When they open the door, activate an industrial strength magnet. If they are indeed a cyborg fake they're metal interior will be attracted to the magnet. They should be pulled to the magnet with an incredible force, usually enough to crush their insides, deactivating the cyborg forever, and giving your one less fake person to deal with.

6. Mannequins-



Mannequins can slip seamlessly into the fabric of everyday life. For example, the above pictured person, who inarguably looks exactly like anyone you might see walking down the street on a sunday mid-morning, is actually a mannequin. One way of spotting a mannequin fake is to purchase a pair of x-ray glasses. Human bodies are filled with organs and human tissues, while mannequins are filled with nothing. If you do not have x-ray glasses handy, feel free put a scalpel to your friends belly and take a look inside. Again, what you're looking for is nothing. If you're friend is filled with nothing you are most likely dealing with a mannequin fake.

*If you're friend is filled with nothing, also consider the possibility that your friend is imaginary, and thus does not exist.

7. Constellations-



While not nearly as common in urban areas (because of light pollution and other factors) constellations are still some of the most common forms of fake people. As shown in the above picture of the constellation of Orion, constellations often SO CLOSELY RESEMBLE people that, in fact, hundreds of thousands of women in rural areas around the world are wed to Orion each year, only to find, much later, that he has been sleeping with countless other women. The best way to ensure that your husband or partner is not in fact a group of seven or eight stars located billions of light years away from one another, is to invite an astronomer over to get an expert opinion. If the astronomer is still unsure, try drawing a picture of your husband. If the picture consists of only a few sporadic dots, I must tell you with a heavy heart, you may be married to a constellation fake.

Dealing with fake people is something that, unfortunately, we all must deal with. But hopefully these tips will make it a little easier to spot them in the future.

D

Mother Winter removes her shawl revealing her wintry shoulders.

Hello friends and neighbors! Here I will be posting stories and advice that are pertinent to your life! Enjoy.

Well, the wind is cold and the hermit crabs are coming out of their shells to nip at the budding saplings, which means (you guessed it) Mother Winter is coming early this year. After an uncharacteristically short hibernation, Mother Winter has awoken from her sexy slumber. Her bulbous toes have started to thaw and her frosty teeth have begun to unfurl. She parts her lips and greets the morning with a simple, "Whatsittoya!?" Oh yes, she is indeed awake and ready to sprinkle the Northern Hemisphere with her various forms of water - snow, rain, sleet, hail, ice, steam, iced steam, ice water, watered ice, icicles, creamed ice, clouds, vitamin water, miscellaneous, and none. As some of you may know, "holidays" occur semi-annually. "Holidays" are days specially designated by the government to celebrate death: the number of deaths ranges from one (for holidays such as Christmas or Martin Luther King Jr. day) to many (Veteran's day, Dia de Los Muertos, Thanksgiving,)

Well according to my sources (none yet) it is going to be a particularly cold winter, and I've compiled a great list of ways to keep warm:

1. A knit cap is a great way to keep your hair from falling off, and also a great way to keep your noggin warm. Putting a warm pot pie under your hat can only increase your total warmth and comfort.

2. MICROWAVE YOUR RINGS BEFORE LEAVING YOUR HOUSE. I cannot stress this enough. Rings are made of metal which contains germs. Microwaving your rings is a great way to disinfect them, and keep your finger-middles toasty.

3. Keep your mouth full of hot chocolate throughout the day. What a treat! If someone asks you a question, simply show them a picture of hot chocolate from a magazine to let them know that your mouth is completely full of hot chocolate and you cannot answer them at this time.

4. Try to spend extra time with your friends with high body temperatures. It is simply not practical to keep the company of anyone with a temperature lower than 98 degrees. If you are not sure of your friends' body temperatures, leave a "facebook status update" that says something to the effect of "I'd like to have sex with someone with a high fever to keep me warm through the night. Possible ongoing thing."

5. Instead of sleeping in your bed, try sleeping in the oven or inside of the engine of your car. These are real warm places, and real nice too.

6. Many animals have warm hair sleeves (also known as fur or pelts) to keep their insides warm. Try borrowing an animal sleeve for yourself and enjoy this same warmth. Warmth animals can be found at the zoo, in the forest, or in your neighbors' yards.

7. Find a womb and make yourself comfortable!!! Wombs are very spacious, very warm, and best of all, you don't have to break the bank with the heating bill. Easy, and cost-effective.

8. Apply fire to your clothes, your bed, your friends, or apply it directly to your skin - anything you want to keep warm. Fire is made of fire which is a warming agent. Not bad under a budget.

9. Volcanos are filled with hot lava which stays warm even during winter. Take one sip of the stuff and you'll be warm for days. Simply visit volcano.com and click on "find a location" to find the most convenient volcano in your area.

10. Shove fiberglass insulation into your socks, shoes, underwear, gloves, shirt, or anywhere else you'd like to keep warm. If you don't have insulation you can use newspaper or cultural newsletters. Insulation keeps the warmth IN and the cold OUT.

*Don't forget to insulate in between your contacts and your eyeballs. 66% of our warmth escapes through our irises. You might want to try applying fire or lava here as well.

11. Consuming coiled copper wire can increase the conductivity of your body by 300%, allowing your internal temperature to rise to over 500 degrees fahrenheit. Not bad.

12. Fashion a Reflective Mirror Satellite Disc Suit (RMSDS) to direct the sun's rays toward your body. The sun is made of hot items, and an RMSDS can reflect those items into your body causing you to heat up. Also - very stylish.

13. Bejeweled Parka. Need I say more?

14. Befriend local bees. Bees carry a tremendous amount of warmth because each bee contains a certain percentage of hot pepper from the flowers they pollenate. The more bees the better. Invite a swarm to cover your body and relax.

15. Be creative! Use any of these tips by themselves or combine them. Maybe you'll throw on an animal sleeve and head over to the local volcano for a drink! Maybe you'll throw on your RMSDS and take a nap deep within a strangers womb. The possibilities are limitless.

More to come.

D